Wedges of Time

Hey buddy. Walked out on you for a while. Writing may have been 'therapeutic' for me but some stresses often hold me back from reaching that keyboard.

Anyways.

After my birthday, the family went on to the scheduled Boracay trip. It was a first of sorts: first plane ride, first getaway to that island, first travel that more than half I paid for (it sure hurt a lot) and my first time outside Luzon in 12 years. Yeah, it was that long. It was also memorable.

Sure, four days of leave from work would mean piles of to-dos. My body never left vacation though.. I tried my best to be at my best work mode but holidays a week after and the inclement weather were not cooperative. Actually, it took me a month to recover from my laidback attitude.

My absences ballooned and my tardiness followed. I was so thankful for having a boss who was just content with a reason for formality's sake. I mean I can't really just file that leave and put laziness in the reason. He never questioned my shortcomings where I'm beginning to think, he doesn't really care about me. Oh, fine by me. I could leave the company without worrying about his attrition and all that corporate shmuck.

So.. what's the deal anyway, Josh?

Hmm. I wouldn't like to say that it is the same old because it ain't. I'm so into my phone that I almost leave my social life past me and dig into my unlimited 4G connection. However, my workmate Sham introduced me to the Number Four series and until now I'm stuck in the second book that he lent me because of guess what? Yeah, you're probably right.

I know my answer was more than insubstantial so I'll explain further.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm going into my old ways of introversion. Trying to keep myself in the shadows, making less attention than usual. I feel that it is because there are several insecurities which still lie around the corner. Perhaps that very first is my communication with my friends. Most of the time, I don't communicate with them. It's either I need something from them or it is a special event that I feel the need to talk to them. Maybe because I just feel that eventually we'll run out of things to discuss that we'd end up silently with anyone of us not replying further. Then it becomes a vicious cycle. That is my lack of being-the-interesting-kind kind of guy.

To complement with that is the fact that I'm still single. I'm starting to think that courting may have outgrown me but it seems that my standards are really higher than high. I have crushes, yes, but all of them are sort of celebrities. Which sucks. Will I ever lay my eyes on a normal person again? Dunno. So maybe I'll still be single for a longer time.

Third, I want to resurface months later, reborn. That kind when you see your old friends, you'd hear nothing but "parang hindi na ikaw!" in a positive skew of course.

Or. I just want to be alone. Feel the structuring of the earth unfold in front of me. Watch the mysteries of life unfurl like depth of field widening from a shallow beginning.

Well maybe that's it. Everything is starting to bore me. My life, my work, my environment. I seriously need a hobby. Or a social group. Or an initiation? That's scary lol.

I'll think about it. I'll straighten my crooked thinking. I've wasted too much time already. I need to feel alive again.