Wedges of Time

Hey buddy. Walked out on you for a while. Writing may have been 'therapeutic' for me but some stresses often hold me back from reaching that keyboard.

Anyways.

After my birthday, the family went on to the scheduled Boracay trip. It was a first of sorts: first plane ride, first getaway to that island, first travel that more than half I paid for (it sure hurt a lot) and my first time outside Luzon in 12 years. Yeah, it was that long. It was also memorable.

Sure, four days of leave from work would mean piles of to-dos. My body never left vacation though.. I tried my best to be at my best work mode but holidays a week after and the inclement weather were not cooperative. Actually, it took me a month to recover from my laidback attitude.

My absences ballooned and my tardiness followed. I was so thankful for having a boss who was just content with a reason for formality's sake. I mean I can't really just file that leave and put laziness in the reason. He never questioned my shortcomings where I'm beginning to think, he doesn't really care about me. Oh, fine by me. I could leave the company without worrying about his attrition and all that corporate shmuck.

So.. what's the deal anyway, Josh?

Hmm. I wouldn't like to say that it is the same old because it ain't. I'm so into my phone that I almost leave my social life past me and dig into my unlimited 4G connection. However, my workmate Sham introduced me to the Number Four series and until now I'm stuck in the second book that he lent me because of guess what? Yeah, you're probably right.

I know my answer was more than insubstantial so I'll explain further.

Lately I've been feeling like I'm going into my old ways of introversion. Trying to keep myself in the shadows, making less attention than usual. I feel that it is because there are several insecurities which still lie around the corner. Perhaps that very first is my communication with my friends. Most of the time, I don't communicate with them. It's either I need something from them or it is a special event that I feel the need to talk to them. Maybe because I just feel that eventually we'll run out of things to discuss that we'd end up silently with anyone of us not replying further. Then it becomes a vicious cycle. That is my lack of being-the-interesting-kind kind of guy.

To complement with that is the fact that I'm still single. I'm starting to think that courting may have outgrown me but it seems that my standards are really higher than high. I have crushes, yes, but all of them are sort of celebrities. Which sucks. Will I ever lay my eyes on a normal person again? Dunno. So maybe I'll still be single for a longer time.

Third, I want to resurface months later, reborn. That kind when you see your old friends, you'd hear nothing but "parang hindi na ikaw!" in a positive skew of course.

Or. I just want to be alone. Feel the structuring of the earth unfold in front of me. Watch the mysteries of life unfurl like depth of field widening from a shallow beginning.

Well maybe that's it. Everything is starting to bore me. My life, my work, my environment. I seriously need a hobby. Or a social group. Or an initiation? That's scary lol.

I'll think about it. I'll straighten my crooked thinking. I've wasted too much time already. I need to feel alive again.

I'm Transitioning

In a few, I'll hit 24. Exactly this day a year ago, the Metro was devastated by heavy rains absent a typhoon. Almost everyone was more than flood swept. Luckily, our family survived those testing times. I felt very blessed that day.

Now that I'm turning 24, I'd like to think that the same blessing is with me. But I'm making things sure. I'm planning the things that are ahead of me. I'm beginning to become socially relevant, a thing that I've been of less concern over the past years.

I start drawing virtual maps of my connections and where these connections will bring me. Investments feel like they're becoming a vital part of my future endeavors. The feeling of having a savings account is always a relief more than a budget-eating portion. My life for the next six years already has allotments: There is no room for unplanned events or unmanaged risks.

Speaking of risks, I think this is the perfect time for me to take risks. Risk is inevitable. That's the reason why we had a subject back in college called Risk Management. I think there are only two kinds of risks -- the one you can handle and the one you can't. Let us say that since I've prepared for this season of my life years ago, the risks that will challenge me are only those that I feel I can handle. I just have a good feeling about it.

Spiritually speaking, people in the church, in these scientist pools, environmentalists, they say this is the end time. Somehow, this has affected my plans. Instead of focusing on my long term plans, I start breaking down things into priority. I guess maturity also plays a role here. This time, I have to focus on what's near me, what's gonna make or break me. This essentially breaks down my plans into small units but planning them to be additive to one another makes it appear to be a bigger achievement over time. Again, it all boils down to planning.

Just thinking of my plans gets me excited. I don't know if I'm the only one who feels this way. Some people are afraid of the future. But I guess only people who haven't prepared for it are the real subjects of failure. I'd like to think I'm not one of them. Failing to plan is planning to fail.

Perhaps one of the things that I'm looking forward to is the incarnation of my plans to life. I can sense my future laurels, yet I try not to be overcome by confidence. I can't wait, while they say patience is a virtue.

Modesty aside, I feel proud of myself. For the past year I've done things in my life, but none of them I regret. I made tough decisions not only for me, my job and family, but also for other people I care about. Seeing these decisions pay off makes me feel vindicated, gratified.

Now, looking at how long I've written, I can't help but feel that, I'm becoming a different person. Or maybe, I've evolved to someone that I always thought I'd not become. I was a happy-go-lucky type of student in college. That's one of the reasons why planning, for me, is a great feat, a great deal. It is an indicator of my readiness to face whatever lies ahead.

This version of me is shaped by my experiences, bad and good alike. It took twenty-four years in the brewing. I'm changing. I'm transitioning... into a vampire responsible individual.

Perspectives

Where must I view it from? On the sad ending? Or on the clean slated beginning?

Today my is Group Leader's (GL) last day at work. He resigned over a month ago for still unknown reasons. I and my groupmates felt not only betrayed; we also felt less important to deserve this announcement, and in detail.

The first time I heard of this news was from my friend from another group. At first I was skeptical because it wasn't the first time that our GL filed his resignation. She also told me that a reorganization of groups would follow his resignation. I couldn't decide which was more dreadful: the reorganization or the fact that other groups were more aware of this truth than us.

Since I was deployed after three months of rigorous training, I've come to love whatever there was in our group. The imperfections, the lack of breaktime bondings, after work group activities, or the oddity of my GL. I despised him even before I got in his group. He was infamous for his behavior. He doesn't have that much friends but eventually we got along. Maybe because I pitied him due to the things that people say at his back. I learned how to belong, how to make the most out of our situation.

Our group dissolves after tomorrow. No more LV1V3G. I used to envy other groups for their ties of friendship that developed over the months. But it is only now that I understood how much I wanted our group to reach a certain form of unity. It hurts to see us go away, apart from each other.

It may be a sad ending, but the positive part is the tabula rasa. Our mistakes, shortcomings and unprofessionalism will be reset when we move to the other groups. It sounds good in theory, but in reality, it is another adjustment to make. I think I'm afraid of the expectations. I'm afraid of doing anything wrong. I'm afraid of losing the closeness to my groupmates that was starting to materialize. I'm afraid of being alone.

*

I remember when I was a college freshman, we had a drawing class. Our lesson for that day was Perspectives. Common perspectives include single point perspective and two point perspective.

The difference is the vanishing point, as the perspevtive names suggest. Vanishing point is like the point across the eye which denotes infinity. A vanishing point must be chosen correctly to show the whole perspective of a figure, because it will be a reference throughout the whole drawing. Seeing it wrong from a different vanishing point might result to an unidentifiable drawing, ergo, junk. All corners are projected to the vanishing point so it is important to choose it wisely.

*

I see this now as a two point perspective. It's just that, I need to choose wisely. I need to have a motivation to work harder. In as much as I already feel stressed in the job, I need to keep it. I've too many pledges and commitments that would need the money that I'm getting at work. I'm choosing wisely, so I'll hold on to the both of these perspectives.

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