Puso

When I hear them say, "May puso ang laban nila," what does it really mean?

Being a big Red Warrior follower (well, not really that long, just when I got in college), I always try to read articles or watch games of our school's UAAP flagship sports team. Our school paper, The Dawn, usually has writers that are hardcore Red Warrior fans that mostly, their personal columns would contain post game analysis and what-not.

Well, being in a red school, myriads of things that are red in color are often used to make a play of words or to describe anything in the university. These writers, choose heart.

I wondered if 'heart' was just used because we all know it is red in color. Or if it is a metaphor, I couldn't see why.

That was when I was not yet 'into' it.

I remember one line, "Kahit hindi tayo nanalo, lumaban naman tayong punong puno ng puso." Oh, that line again. What does it mean, really?

For all the times I encountered it, I came to associate 'puso' with passion and one hundred percent. Never giving up. Not losing the will to fight despite an opponent's supremacy. Proving the worth of that red shirt. Wearing it out loud. Hindi sumusuko. PUSO.

I wouldn't deny that there were games absent this embodiment. But there were more games that I watched, that made me feel proud even if it was a loss. Games when I felt, the Warriors were at a hundred percent and over. Those games gave me goosebumps, sugar rush, heightened senses. And when I remember those times, I always smile and miss them. I could shell out anything just to witness it again.

The last two games of the Warriors were the games that I wish I had seen live. I even had prophetic tweets about these then-future laurels. Not only because those were wins, but because the determination to win and fight back were so strong. Coming from losses, they had more reasons to step up and perform at their peaks. Simply thinking of the rush makes me feel giddy: It is all I need now that I'm not motivated with my job at all.

Blame it on too much negativity around the office, or of the company's unwillingness to give back to us who contributes most to our division's income. Here, I can say that I have no heart to perform at my best. But had I watched the games, I would've had enough reasons to feel good and think less of the factors that deject me at work.

Now, the one thing that I want is to feel that 'heart' again. Every beat, every single reverberation of that wave. Because when I do, I might outdo myself. I might have more reasons to see every positive thing there is left to consider.

I may be alive, again.

#CongratsUE
#GoFightRedAndWhite
#ProudWarrior

What a Friday

Bakit tuwing Friday eh parang lahat ng tao umuuwi galing sa trabaho. I mean, as in! Yung parang yung buong workforce talaga, lalo na dyan sa Ortigas! Dun lang ba sila natutulog as office nila kaya maluwag tuwing Tuesday, Wednesday at Thursday? At biglang inrush ng tao kapag uwian ng Friday?

Biglang nagpapa-OT si boss sa team kanina. Yung may mga urgent jobs daw dapat mai-OT sa weekends. Nakakapagtaka lang na bigla siyang namimilit. Since ako lang ang hindi urgent ang job, ako lang ang hindi mag-oOT. Nakakaguilty kaya.

Literally wala akong nagawa sa job ko kahapon. Nag-remeasure lang ng Load Regulation kasi OC ako na pangit yung response niya talaga sa cold temp.

Nagpalibre kami kay Jay ng pizza at kinagat niya naman. Hahaha! Oks lang mayaman naman yun, Lasallista eh. tsaka it's his birthday naman.

Wala na kaming DS Evaluation Common Mistakes training. Napalitan na ng Solution Sharing. Actually TV meeting na rin kasi nanonood sila Horibe-san at Murakami-san from Yokohama. Okay naman siya.. Kaso lang yung mga unang topics lang siguro masyadong madali. I mean kung engineer ka, dapat common sense na siya.

Lunch time usapan about office loveteams (at ex-loveteams na ang iba ay sobrang shocking) and sweldo ng mga GL.

May iniinvestigate ako na negative effect ng electronic load sa Load Regulation measurement. Medyo madugo siya at talagang napasubo pa ako kasi nagsuggest pa ng ibang setup si boss. Para daw maging 'conclusive'. Haha. Kung di ko na sana sinabi na may effect.

Si Sir Gilbert (ang diyos ng Simulation sa ROHM Philippines LOL) pinapa-simulate yung dating job ko pero cforce ang gagamitin. Ipaparerun lang daw. Medyo di naman demanding, nakasetup na kasi yun sa ginawa ko dati, pero di ko napasa sa queue lahat. So, di ako nag-shutdown ng PC.

Naguguluhan ako sa boss ko. Parang ang bait niya sakin at ako naman naguguilty na wala naman talaga akong matinong output for three days now. I mean, sa emails kasi pag kausap niya yung iba kong groupmates parang ang mga sagot niya eh 'ok', 'please compensate for this', 'we can't afford to be delayed'. Sakin, may 'thank you Josh for that information'. Meron pang 'thanks for being always on time with your jobs'. Diba? Nakakaguilty.

Nagbabasa ako ng tweets habang nasa job. Tapos nabasa ko yung tweet ni Cesca Litton na di daw siya mapakali kapag may outstanding balance sya sa credit card niya at babayaran nya agad. OC daw ba yun. Feeling ko ganun din ako sa bills na ako ang in charge. Sabi naman nung seatmate ko na si Joem, paranoia daw. Wth.

Nakaloop na forever ang 'You Never Fail' sa phone ko.

Six PM na ko umuwi kahit ala naman talaga akong ginawa after 5:30. Tumambay lang.

I feel so guilty na wala akong nagawa kahapon. Yes, sa dami ng mga yan, feeling ko wala parin akong nagawa.

Street Geek

Early today I forgot to pray (note, Pastor's preaching last Sunday was 'Pray without ceasing') but I let off a positive mantra: God gave me another life, I should be happier than yesterday.

It was over Facebook that I learned of the benefit of having a positive thought first thing in the morning. The FB friend said that it would change my outlook for the rest of the day.

Knowing that over the past weeks (months, really) I've been hating my job more than anything else, I gave it a try.

Well, for a start, I was last on a queue of 60 people for an FX ride to work. I was worrying that I'd be late even if it was just 7:08 in the morning, so I texted my boss about the situation. He didn't reply. Prior to that text, I have asked him several favors for my attendance. My attendance sheet over the past weeks (months, really) didn't really look that good. Last month, I had 7 No Good (NG) lates and 1 OK late. 3 NG lates after 4 NGs means 11 days of suspension which could be divided per payroll. I already served a day of that suspension and I'm telling you, the payslip looked ugly.

This payroll, I have 4 NG lates already. The fifth and sixth ones were OK, and those were the favors that I asked of the GL. So.. I needed to get to work on time because he didn't reply. Thankfully, I arrived at work around 8:00:43 which isn't bad.

At work, everything was smooth except for my eyesight. It was cloudy whenever I view things from two feet and nearer. I believe that together with it, a certain clingy headache affected me. I couldn't work well after lunch break. I told Joem and Tin (left and right staff area mates) that I was not on the mood to measure. I didn't feel really well with that headache and cloudy eyesight. Tin suggested that I have my eyes checked and maybe I needed a street geek eyeglass. Koreans, eh?

Well that was technically it. My productivity was around 47% by rough guesstimate and I need to recuperate to finish by the job's deadline, Friday.

So I need to visit an opthalmologist soon. I guess I'd really have to wear glasses already. I feel sad about that. I've always been proud of my eyesight. Or maybe this thing is just temporary. Like I'd get better tomorrow. I'm actually struggling with this post as I look at my phone. I hope a good 8-hour rest will do the trick. I do hope.

By the way, congrats Red Warriors. That was a nice game. Punong puno ng puso ang laban. Great game too, Ateneo. I know we both are struggling with a rookie team. But we'll get by.

#YouNeverFail
#ThankYouJesus

Authority

I was always afraid of authority. I'm afraid of taking charge, of stepping up and being faux superior -- because I'm self-centric and I know I will pop up and would be eaten wholly by that attempt's demise.

I never wanted to impose. But my training roots early, with me being the eldest and taking up the family's man's post while my dad is away. There was always a need for me to impose.

Confining the authority is somehow difficult, almost ridiculous. When caught among people with divided intents, I tend to assume some sort of office. My nerves require me to lead. Like I couldn't help it.

There is something in power, we all know that, that makes people crave for it, possess it. Being the authority in one endeavor gives a sense of accomplishment along with inflated egos and boosted confidence levels. It is a sugar rush.

However, I'm not easily drawn by that rush. Rather, a certain fear manifests somewhere that keeps me down. This fear might be failure or the one to be blamed for failures. Either way, those make me not long for the pull. It is purely logical. I was born to be somehow logical (oh, look at that engineering degree over there, that breaks down into a lot of mathematical logic) which makes things overly and repeatedly complicated. There is a part of me who self-checks, everytime! Another part though is carefree.

At work, I now gained a certain authority, which makes me part responsible for everything that could happen. It means I must vouch for the wrongs that the people I'm controlling could and would do. To me, doing this on top of my scheduled jobs makes me a little less productive.

But that could be for now. The uncertainty of things, the what-ifs, the possibility of a future success: these are the things that keep me wanting that power. Even if authority could make my knees wobble, I would still take it. I will try to harness it, master it, because I know someday, it will inevitably be the way for me. I just know.