Another Used To Be

We used to chat a lot. There was something else between time which led us to a certain kind of indifference.

Online siya sa YM. Online din ako. I fear to make the first PM because it might give an impression that I want to talk about what happened to us. Yet, ineexpect ko rin siya na mag-PM sakin at tatanungin rin niya ako kung bakit 'di na ako biglang nagparamdam.

It goes in a cycle.

Perhaps, there have been lots of changes which took place between now and the last time we conversed.

Moreso, there might come a time when I’ll be too cynical to care.

Attachments

Oddly,  I was thinking about one of my ex-girlfriends while on the way home. The playlist is set to tracks from the not-so-distant years. I was sending mental curses to the iPod for a tap on the >> button played our theme song . I then wondered, how is she doing now? Probably some force of nature pulled the shuffled songs in the playlist together to remind me of her. On press time, I've no communication from any of my past attachments.

She is the best from my roster of exes. Apart from the fact that she is a rare search, I can never emphasize the feeling that I won't find another like her. We got along because we didn't like the same things. That way, opposites attract gave me a practical lesson. She is the one of the girls who got my idea of the perfect wave. Most of the time, when I feel horny, I think about our intimate times. LOL. I'm kidding.

She's the only girl who can be with me when I'm messed up from a game, all sweaty, when I'm on a bad call, when my mood swings from one peak to the other, when I'm on my happier times, or even when I'm on my lowest. She is the middle C of my piano, for all notes which came after or before her sounded: too low, for they can't get the kick that I'm trying to sustain; too high, for they overdo things, making me feel asphyxiated.

A couple of them did things above her standard. As it may sound as wrong judgment to let them go, I saw myself looking for an open space, for air. Having a surplus of care intimidates me. I need it only on the specific time and moment. To me, there was a right combination of worrying, caring, leaving-alone and timing, and this particular girl got it right on the spot.

I think, even if I say that I've moved on, I still have this longing deep down, something which needs to be nourished but I've intentionally kept starving for there is no way of bringing things back. Like a lost cause.

Now that I'm single, I can't help but think about what-ifs. What if I try to communicate with her again? What if she gives me another chance? What if she was waiting for me all along but my ego was so big that I didn't want to talk to the girl who broke my heart? What if this time, we'd do better?

Or what if I'm just making these all up just because I want a companion?