Authority

I was always afraid of authority. I'm afraid of taking charge, of stepping up and being faux superior -- because I'm self-centric and I know I will pop up and would be eaten wholly by that attempt's demise.

I never wanted to impose. But my training roots early, with me being the eldest and taking up the family's man's post while my dad is away. There was always a need for me to impose.

Confining the authority is somehow difficult, almost ridiculous. When caught among people with divided intents, I tend to assume some sort of office. My nerves require me to lead. Like I couldn't help it.

There is something in power, we all know that, that makes people crave for it, possess it. Being the authority in one endeavor gives a sense of accomplishment along with inflated egos and boosted confidence levels. It is a sugar rush.

However, I'm not easily drawn by that rush. Rather, a certain fear manifests somewhere that keeps me down. This fear might be failure or the one to be blamed for failures. Either way, those make me not long for the pull. It is purely logical. I was born to be somehow logical (oh, look at that engineering degree over there, that breaks down into a lot of mathematical logic) which makes things overly and repeatedly complicated. There is a part of me who self-checks, everytime! Another part though is carefree.

At work, I now gained a certain authority, which makes me part responsible for everything that could happen. It means I must vouch for the wrongs that the people I'm controlling could and would do. To me, doing this on top of my scheduled jobs makes me a little less productive.

But that could be for now. The uncertainty of things, the what-ifs, the possibility of a future success: these are the things that keep me wanting that power. Even if authority could make my knees wobble, I would still take it. I will try to harness it, master it, because I know someday, it will inevitably be the way for me. I just know.