Post-Board Exam Brooding

I know this isn’t the right time to brood over why I didn’t spend the whole review time properly, or what else I didn’t do to maximize the short period for the exam preparation.

Today starts the longest five days of my life, which is waiting for the results of the two-day board exam.

When I backtrack: Math was difficult; Electronics was my saving grace; GEAS (General Engineering and Applied Sciences) was cruelly hard; and, ESAT (Electronic Systems and Technologies) was a bit rewarding.

However, there’s still a huge uncertainty. I’ve had hard experiences on the exam day itself which may have affected my way of thinking, my memory, my logic. In good hope and with His help, waiting can be less bothering.

(a repost with few revisions from my Tumblr)

Of Trials

The past weeks have been rough for me and for our family. Without me in the house, the are things that I've missed in the circulation. These things bother me on a large scale. Expletives may do, but I need an outlet. Let this blog be.

Two weeks ago, I suffered a great cut on resources. The money that I received from my last scholarship was already depleted. The relationship that I have with my mom in financial terms is somewhat mature and were mutual to that. What I'm trying to say is that when I have money, it is my money and I continually receive something from her, me being on an unemployed state. She is neither employed. She told me that my dad hasn't been calling her and sending money for more than a couple of months now. II don't know which is worse: the fact that my father doesn't call us or the fact that his remittance is our family's only financial source at the moment.

Bills unpaid, gas out, no food. My mom may still have the contacts of her clients but her not having an office gave them trust issues. She and her business partner are brewing something, I don't know, I hope they finally achieve their plan. Since my mom and I have the mutual understanding on things, we divide the present amount that we have and we both do our best to extend the budget.

Good thing. I've loaned some amount to several people. From 1 grand a week, I was down to 500, which, I need to divide for six days including the transpo allowance when going to the dormitory from our house (and back). Five hundred alone is not enough, honestly. My classmates were at least able to relieve me of this financial pressure due to their repayments.

Apart from the week's allowance, I also have to allot something for the processing of papers for the board exam. There is some 2K-ish that I still need to gather and I pray, with God's grace, that this amount will be settled in no time, since the deadline for submission of the papers is about to end.

Next, it is kind of depressing to see my sister, the one after me, give me so much time to her boyfriend. She's skipping church activities because she visits the guy's parent in Laguna on weekends. Weekends, I'm home and I don't see her. I kind of miss having our family together despite these trials. Tough times, really. Makes me feel that there is some gaping hole somewhere..

**edit: Sister's not getting back anymore. She married that effin guy because she's pregnant. The hell. Added to my problems.. But my mom's discretion on it makes me accept it, since there is nothing more we can do about it.**

There are newly formed esteem issues introduced by the review sessions. Most of the time, I already feel that I'm not doing well enough, so I tend to slouch. This may be good because it should make me strive harder but the percentages are far apart. The issues must be set aside because the boards are nearing (roughly a month left). I wish that I'd be drugged with adrenaline.

Last: friendship issues. Some of my friends understand that the reason why I'm not very active over leisure walks is because I'm trying to focus on the review. Some are acting up, others even think I've totally forgotten them. I can't believe them. I don't want to lose the relationships but I also want to rid of complications. When I pray at night, I always ask for understanding to dawn on theses people. I always wish for everyone's wellness because on either side of the road, I'll get hurt and it will be my burden. It will hinder my success.

So I momentarily take a leave. I hope people would understand. I hope trails will be patched. I wish to put an end to differences and bad vibes. Goodbye, dark aura!

Chaos, Chaos

A vertiginous incident is happening in front of me. Envelopes of different sizes are flying in all directions. Everything written on one of them looked similar to the others. By a quick note from my peripheral vision, the scribbles somehow resembled my name, just my name. Curiosity led me to catching any.

The envelope contained nothing but a smaller envelope inside. It was a puzzling scene. The whirring grew deeper, as if we were moving onto an enclosed bottle or space.

Rain started pouring. I stopped by a wall. Cough cough cough. I spit phlegm and blood. Whatever I was stepping on was absorbing the water, the vile mixture from my mouth, and the vigor. It suddenly felt dryly cold, empty. The presence of too much water, paper and wind seemed to equate to nothingness. There was nothing else to feel but chaos.

I tried to get away, but the echo of all the movement suggested an impossibility. I was stuck. I've always been in this predicament. I never learned to forego of the things that must be forgotten.

I never learned to forego of the things that must be forgotten...

Somewhere, a grandfather clock is alarming. I kept moving on, as if it would change the fact that I'm trapped in my own maze. Letters started appearing in midair, taking the form of colorful gasses without containers, in different styles and sizes. The wind would blow and it would jumble them letters to form words.

I stepped back, and the words became numbers. There were sharp-ended Ones and sickle shaped Sixes and Nines. I tried to run, and the figure chased me! I had nowhere to go, and they went inside of me.

I became invincible. All those things, there will be nothing I can't solve. Chaos on chaos gave me a break, an answer to my puzzling queries. I emerge from this maze a victor.

A Holiday Snip

Since today is a holiday, I'd like to snip in something just to break the momentum on reviewing too much. I'd also like to make kwento about the things that I've already finished prior to graduation, and here is a rundown.

1. The last day was technically around the last week of October.
2. After the Exit Interview, days after (around November 8) I had the photo shoot for the Graduation picture and the creative shots.
3. I furnished everything which had something to do with my grades, also things needed for my name to appear on the list of the candidates for graduation.
4. November 14: Start of the Review orientation.
5. November 16 and 18: Diagnostic Exams. Here, we were evaluated of the totality of what knowledge we accumulated in college.
6. Monday, we had the fitting for the graduation dress with the hood and the cap.
7. The official review stared Tuesday after the Diagnostic exams, this is when I learned that I luckily got the 5th top spot out of the more than 100 reviewees.
8. Thursday, after the review classes, I headed straight to the Mall of Asia to meet up with bloggers (the Leah Sayomac (ate Leah), Ate Madz, Sendo, Jeff (poipagong), the Bino Bautista, Kikilabotz the Blogger and Ms.Yvette. Okay. It was a fun meet up and I did enjoy, big time.
9. Monday, moved out of our house in Pasig to the apartment that we rented for the review located around España.
10. Filled out the form for the yearbook today.

AND, next week, December 8, is my graduation day! Yehey. After more than five years of studying (hard, lol), I'm finally setting foot to PICC and this time I'm wearing a black toga with an orange hood around my neck. Definitely another proud moment. I hope that good vibes will continue to ooze like creamy chocolate so everybody'd be happy.

But before I forget, I need to study, again, for the first evaluation exam which will be done next week, Tuesday and Wednesday. The best of luck!

Someone Wins, Someone Loses

The results of the Electronics Engineering (ECE) board exams just got released. There is good news, there is bad news.

Good news is, I have friends who passed. The bad news is, I have friends who failed. I think that these two things, surviving and failing, go hand in hand. Neither can exist without the other. Sometimes it's hard to think that the happiness can always be spoiled. Things happen that way.

Although, there is still hope. The results are partial to the passers, because the conditionals and failed students are not yet announced.

Conditional refers to a state wherein the student gets a grade between 60-70 per cent in less than 50 per cent of the total number of subjects in the exam, which is equal to one subject.

But even so, conditional or failed, it still means retaking the exam which must be a complete hassle. I can only imagine the emotional stain that my friends are undertaking right now. I mean, with all the review which yielded (almost)nothing. I can only empathize.

Well, there are passers to be celebrated, too, but the weight of the failure just feels greater than that of the win. More importantly, these results give me a shadow of what there is to come when it's my time to take the board exam this April 2012.

I could only hope for the best, with God's help.

Licensure Examinations

Tomorrow and the day after tomorrow, that is 29th and 30th of October 2011, is this year's second leg of the licensure exams for the Electronics Engineering (ECE) graduates.

This particular exams is halfway close to my heart, since had I not stopped for a semester, I'd be joining the thousands tomorrow who will be taking the boards. Unfortunately, that is not the case, since I'm still awaiting graduation and there are several requirements before one is enabled to take this test.

However, it's defined as halfway close because most of the people from my batch, like my ECE batchmates in UE Manila and UE Caloocan and other high school batchmates who took the same course will be having this ultimate test starting tomorrow. That means: I'm equally as anxious, nervous, and slightly temperamental.


A great time for prayers
I know, Lord, that I have done so many wrongs in the past, but please, forgive me of my sins. With the presumed forgiveness, I also wish that you grant my ECE friends all the strength, courage, confidence and intellect that they need to muster in order for them to successfully pass this milestone of an undertaking. They cannot do this without your help, Jesus. Amen.