Post-Board Exam Brooding

I know this isn’t the right time to brood over why I didn’t spend the whole review time properly, or what else I didn’t do to maximize the short period for the exam preparation.

Today starts the longest five days of my life, which is waiting for the results of the two-day board exam.

When I backtrack: Math was difficult; Electronics was my saving grace; GEAS (General Engineering and Applied Sciences) was cruelly hard; and, ESAT (Electronic Systems and Technologies) was a bit rewarding.

However, there’s still a huge uncertainty. I’ve had hard experiences on the exam day itself which may have affected my way of thinking, my memory, my logic. In good hope and with His help, waiting can be less bothering.

(a repost with few revisions from my Tumblr)

Of Trials

The past weeks have been rough for me and for our family. Without me in the house, the are things that I've missed in the circulation. These things bother me on a large scale. Expletives may do, but I need an outlet. Let this blog be.

Two weeks ago, I suffered a great cut on resources. The money that I received from my last scholarship was already depleted. The relationship that I have with my mom in financial terms is somewhat mature and were mutual to that. What I'm trying to say is that when I have money, it is my money and I continually receive something from her, me being on an unemployed state. She is neither employed. She told me that my dad hasn't been calling her and sending money for more than a couple of months now. II don't know which is worse: the fact that my father doesn't call us or the fact that his remittance is our family's only financial source at the moment.

Bills unpaid, gas out, no food. My mom may still have the contacts of her clients but her not having an office gave them trust issues. She and her business partner are brewing something, I don't know, I hope they finally achieve their plan. Since my mom and I have the mutual understanding on things, we divide the present amount that we have and we both do our best to extend the budget.

Good thing. I've loaned some amount to several people. From 1 grand a week, I was down to 500, which, I need to divide for six days including the transpo allowance when going to the dormitory from our house (and back). Five hundred alone is not enough, honestly. My classmates were at least able to relieve me of this financial pressure due to their repayments.

Apart from the week's allowance, I also have to allot something for the processing of papers for the board exam. There is some 2K-ish that I still need to gather and I pray, with God's grace, that this amount will be settled in no time, since the deadline for submission of the papers is about to end.

Next, it is kind of depressing to see my sister, the one after me, give me so much time to her boyfriend. She's skipping church activities because she visits the guy's parent in Laguna on weekends. Weekends, I'm home and I don't see her. I kind of miss having our family together despite these trials. Tough times, really. Makes me feel that there is some gaping hole somewhere..

**edit: Sister's not getting back anymore. She married that effin guy because she's pregnant. The hell. Added to my problems.. But my mom's discretion on it makes me accept it, since there is nothing more we can do about it.**

There are newly formed esteem issues introduced by the review sessions. Most of the time, I already feel that I'm not doing well enough, so I tend to slouch. This may be good because it should make me strive harder but the percentages are far apart. The issues must be set aside because the boards are nearing (roughly a month left). I wish that I'd be drugged with adrenaline.

Last: friendship issues. Some of my friends understand that the reason why I'm not very active over leisure walks is because I'm trying to focus on the review. Some are acting up, others even think I've totally forgotten them. I can't believe them. I don't want to lose the relationships but I also want to rid of complications. When I pray at night, I always ask for understanding to dawn on theses people. I always wish for everyone's wellness because on either side of the road, I'll get hurt and it will be my burden. It will hinder my success.

So I momentarily take a leave. I hope people would understand. I hope trails will be patched. I wish to put an end to differences and bad vibes. Goodbye, dark aura!

It's All To End, Josh

I didn't go to school today just because I didn't feel like going. What is happening with me?

In a few weeks' time, I will be graduating from college. I will be one step closer to becoming the long awaited Engineer Josh. However, just when I think I'm seeing the light at the end of my struggles, here I am, losing the vigor.

I have two floor plans, a theatrical production, an electronic circuit project, two major exams and a research work all due for submission before Friday. I think the slouch from the foundation week celebration un-fueled my spirits. I honestly can't revamp my habits right now to switch back on track.

O, inspiration, where art thou?

I wish to assuage my feelings from the better universe. God, please help me.

Dumadahilan

Well, I don't really drink liquor. When I get invites, I politely reject or try to evade the conversation. The latest invite was earlier, and I just tried to dodge it with my best ability:

Wala akong OJT kapag Sabado pero may pasok ako nun. Isa pang message nito at ewan ko na lang talaga. Ayoko rin kasi silang biguin. Gusto ko makita yung ibang kumpare ko na at yung mga tatay na, etc. Mukhang masaya pero kasi alam ko talaga na inom 'yun at ayokong ipitin ang sarili ko sa ganoong sitwasyon.

Hirap naman pag-isipan.

The Great Storekeeper

Howdy lads and lasses!

Yesterday, I took half of my day to manage the computer shop which became a part of my investment, the savings from my call boy job (kiddin').

Actually, this is the very first time that I'll be managing something. Even way back at high school or on my first three college years, I was never really assigned to perform the team/group leader most of the time. Often, I'm the assistant to the team leader or the best member, which eventually turns out to do most of the job than the leader itself.

However, in managing something, you have to take the whole responsibility and make your mind work all the time. Mind plus body plus sanity: everything puts up the formula to working it out greatly. I must admit that doing it the first time nearly made me give up on it. There were a lot of factors and a lot of detractors, not to mention the rule-breakers, gatecrashers, et cetera.

Now, I'm back here to do the job again. Until I enroll for the summer classes. I really miss school, my blockmates, the stuff we do, the experiments, the field work, the resistors, capacitors, integrated circuits, the wires, the diodes, transistors, everything! I hope to make the time faster but at the same time, make the time remaining a worthwhile one.

Good afternoon. Its hot outside.