The Choice

Present time gives me countless opportunities. It is now my turn to deliberate which will be hailed worthy as The Choice.

Not that I'm disliking the current job, but I have assessed all the avenues which must be calculated. I've asked for signs, intervention. Considerations accounted, I've reached to the conclusion: In approximately two weeks from now, I'll be moving to a new job --still, in line with my profession --  the very Choice that I've made.

Having reached barely two months in this work, I can say that Telecommunications is a good ground to start on. I've learned a lot; I may already boastfully tell that I'm an expert of cell site analysis.

However, my mind wants to look for more mental challenges. This industry gives me none of these challenges. Cell sites have several types and they repeat all though out the stretch. Most of the things to be done are on a pattern. Maybe, I've not been on the technical side yet (computations, engineering judgment). I can wait no longer.

Apart from mental challenges, I also seek for better compensation. My movement to Electronics Design gives me promise of career growth and, more moolah. With the status of our family, I think this is not only the better but the best choice. The new job, according to the Director of the department who interviewed me, is one filled with neuron stimulation and is second to the hardest job in the company. That said, my eyes turned red and light bulbs flashed on my head.

Despite the method they devised to get me (read: piracy), I feel naturalized to the blood and sands of my new professional home. The counter-offering of my present company was tempting: a raised job status. However, I've made a choice, and I hope to find reasons to stay in this industry even after the bond that I've signed with them.

I pray, that this is it.

The Fulfillment

While the title of this post gives it all, there still is a need to go through the dramatic story-telling of the series of events which led to this title, ergo, the fulfillment. (Ain't that a bit crappy and prevaricate? LOL)

As I may have posted several days ago, our board exams went rolling like a pin on pizza dough. In character, it is a two-day event which highlighted the gist of our five-year (others, like me, for five and a half years) college education. There were four subjects involved, two on the first day and another couple on the second day. The extreme number of takers per season is what makes our licensure the hardest in the engineering field: See, the more the takers, the more the Professional Regulatory Commission limits the numbers of passers by putting up a harder exam. Terms before this, other engineering courses would only have a maaximum of 30 items per test compared to our 100 items per test, except for Math which is 50 items for us.

Cutting it short, after the exam, I felt all the stress going down on my shoulders. At the same time, we were all restless because we couldn't wait for the results to be announced. This period is more like a mental and emotional torture of sorts and of varying levels.

The addition of the weekends extended our agony. The history of posting the results ranged from 3-4 working days, which means a weekend in between would add to the longest 3/4 -- or for the case 5/6 -- days of our lives as professionals.

Since I was living in a dormitory months prior to the exams as for an isolated place for review, the conclusion of the exam meant that the dormitory stay is over and we would eventually have to return back to our homes. That third working night after the boards was my projected day of evacuation. I hailed a cab in Espana and tasked my classmate to look over my things while I was stacking them on the compartment of the taxi.

Little did I know that while I was doing that, the results were already released. I was in a state of shock when a former classmate of mine, who also took the licensure, congratulated me via an SMS. He was the first one to inform me that I passed the board exams. The moment I received it, there was a mixture of unbelief, giddiness, euphoria. I wanted to shout but I was in the passenger's seat and the driver might mistake me for a goner. It would be a crazy thing to do, so I contained all of the happiness and it manifested instead as a big grin. Soon, text messages and phone calls came which made me believe further that I have really passed. It was not some remote dream or illusion. It was true.

The next day, when I checked my Facebook account, my wall was already flooded with words of congratulations. On the second day, I still could not believe that I passed. It really was a difficult exam and I feared of my scores, but I still emerged a victor.

The only sad part is, when there are passers, there also goes the failing team. I wasn't able to fully rejoice because I thought of the insensitivity it would become should I post happy things on the wall. Being a person of no full social effects, I find it hard to tell words to those who failed for I might just worsen their feelings. I just posted instead, a verse from the Bible which might've been enough to sum up the words that I cannot verbalize.

Days after that, I'm already able to chat with some of them over Facebook, and I was glad that we had to talk about employment than the sad experience.

First, I would like to thank the Lord for his wonderful gift of wisdom. Without it, I would have surely failed. His guidance was all around me the whole time. I could never express my gratitude. This is the fulfillment of what this blog is named for: Engineer Josh. I am Engineer Josh. Alas!

Post-Board Exam Brooding

I know this isn’t the right time to brood over why I didn’t spend the whole review time properly, or what else I didn’t do to maximize the short period for the exam preparation.

Today starts the longest five days of my life, which is waiting for the results of the two-day board exam.

When I backtrack: Math was difficult; Electronics was my saving grace; GEAS (General Engineering and Applied Sciences) was cruelly hard; and, ESAT (Electronic Systems and Technologies) was a bit rewarding.

However, there’s still a huge uncertainty. I’ve had hard experiences on the exam day itself which may have affected my way of thinking, my memory, my logic. In good hope and with His help, waiting can be less bothering.

(a repost with few revisions from my Tumblr)

Of Trials

The past weeks have been rough for me and for our family. Without me in the house, the are things that I've missed in the circulation. These things bother me on a large scale. Expletives may do, but I need an outlet. Let this blog be.

Two weeks ago, I suffered a great cut on resources. The money that I received from my last scholarship was already depleted. The relationship that I have with my mom in financial terms is somewhat mature and were mutual to that. What I'm trying to say is that when I have money, it is my money and I continually receive something from her, me being on an unemployed state. She is neither employed. She told me that my dad hasn't been calling her and sending money for more than a couple of months now. II don't know which is worse: the fact that my father doesn't call us or the fact that his remittance is our family's only financial source at the moment.

Bills unpaid, gas out, no food. My mom may still have the contacts of her clients but her not having an office gave them trust issues. She and her business partner are brewing something, I don't know, I hope they finally achieve their plan. Since my mom and I have the mutual understanding on things, we divide the present amount that we have and we both do our best to extend the budget.

Good thing. I've loaned some amount to several people. From 1 grand a week, I was down to 500, which, I need to divide for six days including the transpo allowance when going to the dormitory from our house (and back). Five hundred alone is not enough, honestly. My classmates were at least able to relieve me of this financial pressure due to their repayments.

Apart from the week's allowance, I also have to allot something for the processing of papers for the board exam. There is some 2K-ish that I still need to gather and I pray, with God's grace, that this amount will be settled in no time, since the deadline for submission of the papers is about to end.

Next, it is kind of depressing to see my sister, the one after me, give me so much time to her boyfriend. She's skipping church activities because she visits the guy's parent in Laguna on weekends. Weekends, I'm home and I don't see her. I kind of miss having our family together despite these trials. Tough times, really. Makes me feel that there is some gaping hole somewhere..

**edit: Sister's not getting back anymore. She married that effin guy because she's pregnant. The hell. Added to my problems.. But my mom's discretion on it makes me accept it, since there is nothing more we can do about it.**

There are newly formed esteem issues introduced by the review sessions. Most of the time, I already feel that I'm not doing well enough, so I tend to slouch. This may be good because it should make me strive harder but the percentages are far apart. The issues must be set aside because the boards are nearing (roughly a month left). I wish that I'd be drugged with adrenaline.

Last: friendship issues. Some of my friends understand that the reason why I'm not very active over leisure walks is because I'm trying to focus on the review. Some are acting up, others even think I've totally forgotten them. I can't believe them. I don't want to lose the relationships but I also want to rid of complications. When I pray at night, I always ask for understanding to dawn on theses people. I always wish for everyone's wellness because on either side of the road, I'll get hurt and it will be my burden. It will hinder my success.

So I momentarily take a leave. I hope people would understand. I hope trails will be patched. I wish to put an end to differences and bad vibes. Goodbye, dark aura!

Chaos, Chaos

A vertiginous incident is happening in front of me. Envelopes of different sizes are flying in all directions. Everything written on one of them looked similar to the others. By a quick note from my peripheral vision, the scribbles somehow resembled my name, just my name. Curiosity led me to catching any.

The envelope contained nothing but a smaller envelope inside. It was a puzzling scene. The whirring grew deeper, as if we were moving onto an enclosed bottle or space.

Rain started pouring. I stopped by a wall. Cough cough cough. I spit phlegm and blood. Whatever I was stepping on was absorbing the water, the vile mixture from my mouth, and the vigor. It suddenly felt dryly cold, empty. The presence of too much water, paper and wind seemed to equate to nothingness. There was nothing else to feel but chaos.

I tried to get away, but the echo of all the movement suggested an impossibility. I was stuck. I've always been in this predicament. I never learned to forego of the things that must be forgotten.

I never learned to forego of the things that must be forgotten...

Somewhere, a grandfather clock is alarming. I kept moving on, as if it would change the fact that I'm trapped in my own maze. Letters started appearing in midair, taking the form of colorful gasses without containers, in different styles and sizes. The wind would blow and it would jumble them letters to form words.

I stepped back, and the words became numbers. There were sharp-ended Ones and sickle shaped Sixes and Nines. I tried to run, and the figure chased me! I had nowhere to go, and they went inside of me.

I became invincible. All those things, there will be nothing I can't solve. Chaos on chaos gave me a break, an answer to my puzzling queries. I emerge from this maze a victor.